Therapy

Therapy comes in many forms. I believe that what ever calms you, brings you back to center, and makes you feel good is therapy. If taking a drive with windows down, music up fills your soul; therapy. If immersing yourself in a book, escaping reality soothes your mind; therapy. Pen to paper or fingers to keyboard dashing off late night thoughts; therapy. 

In 2008, I started a blog on the blogger platform entitled, "because blogging is cheaper than therapy". If I'd only known then how true those words are. Blogs were booming at that time and every stay-at-home mom was writing about their children being amazing, life being blessed, documenting every detail of their day to day life.  Meanwhile, I was just struggling trying to find my place in it all. My relationship with my mother, who we lived with was strained, my ex-husband has a chronic medical condition, and I was balancing all that while raising 3 kids in a toxic environment. I needed an outlet. 

I posted fairly frequently, not for readership, but for my own mental health. It was my creative outlet. I was learning the art of digital scrapbooking and blog creation. The time I spent writing a post or putting together a scrapbook page, my mind was happy.

Now we fast forward 14 years. All the countless journals that I've written in. Some are lost forever. That's okay, it's probably a lot of memories I'd like to forget anyway. I have found that when I can't sleep and my mind is racing, writing is the most constructive thing I can do. I'm no Stephen King or Hemmingway, but I write what I feel and let the rest happen.

2021- therapy begins. Real therapy. Not just writing or creative projects. One on one time with a licensed professional who I pay to listen to me. There is more work involved than that, but some sessions, I just have so much to say to get out of my head. She is there to listen to my ramblings, my feelings. my fears, my trauma- without judging me. Have you ever been in a relationship/friendship where your feeling were never validated? You were scared to express how you felt in a non-threatening way? The blame game is played even when you didn't want to be a contestant? Yeah- that's me. I have enough of those situations under my belt, you'd think I would be a pro at dealing with these type of people. The problem is- I trusted them. 

The absolute worst feeling. When you trust someone with your deepest darkest emotions and they crap all over it. I feel like I have a band of nothing but red flags marching in front of me. Vigorously waving them in my face, yet I'm still here. I tend to fall back on the adage, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them."  You can't change a persons core being. I never will beg for someone's attention or affection. If you fall off on me because it's your choice, I am not going to rip open my heart again for you to pour salt in the wound.

I have quite a lot to discuss at my next therapy session. Where it goes from there, I'm not certain.